During the first 18 years of my life I didn’t take God seriously. I grew up in church and based on my understanding of what I was taught, I could never be good enough. This coupled with my natural inclination towards a fatalist mindset left me in many questionable circumstances for a “goody-two shoes”. My reasoning was that since I was never going to meet God standards I shouldn’t really bother. During my freshman year of college I put God on the back burner. I wanted to reinvent myself without His influence, my pastors, or my parents. But something shifted my sophomore year. My roommate started inviting me to bible study on Sunday nights. Since it was really informal and I was free to ask questions I kept going. (The fact that they fed us was a big help too.) I started falling in love with God again. I wanted to give Him every part of my life, simply because I loved Him. But I started to swing into a dangerous mindset of legality. I was trying to earn His love through works. And this left me in a worse mess than I had been before. I started to read my bible, pray, and serve out of duty instead of love. And the prison I found myself in was unbearable. I had to be perfect. There was no room for error in the mindset I had.  Thankfully with the help of some very patient mentors and hours of study on my own I don’t live in that prison anymore. So here are some truths and verses that helped me break out.

Romans 8

Although the entire book of Romans is bomb, chapter eight spoke to me during this time because I felt condemned with no way out on a regular basis. Meditating on this scripture, memorizing it, and embracing the freedom I have in Christ took some time, but I fall more in love with this passage every day, especially on my bad days.

People pleasing is for the birds

If I could shout this from every roof top in the world I would. This simple reality has saved me so much heart ache in the last few years. It took me a long time to realize that it is impossible to please everybody. Scripture says “If it be possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18 NIV) Meaning there is a chance that you WON’T live at peace with everyone, and that is ok. Remember we perform for an audience of one.

Sanctification is a process and you need people to help make it happen

When it comes to living a life pleasing to God it will not happen overnight, and it definitely won’t happen when you are isolated. Having friends and family members that hold you accountable helps you stay close to God. However at the end of the day it is the Holy Spirit that changes your heart and convicts you of your sinful habits. And although it didn’t feel good at the time I am so thankful for conviction.

So if you find yourself in the prison of perfection, I encourage you to break out. The law has been fulfilled, we live under grace and there is nothing that can separate us from the love of God

There a plethora of reasons why your husband can be grouchy.

A bad day at work.

Disrespectful kids.

The pressure to provide.

The list is endless. Our husbands go through a LOT. Leading a family is a huge responsibility to carry and honestly you can't really blame them if they get a little grouchy at times. The question is how do you help them come out of that grouchy state?

1. FEED HIM

It is incredible how much a good meal can change someone's mood. You can cook one of his favorite meals or take him out to dinner. Either way making sure he has a good meal in his stomach will do both of you a world of good. Especially if he doesn't have to pay.

2. Give him space

Whether it's playing a video game or taking a nap, give him some alone time. Most guys wrestle with their emotions inwardly and after they get the time to do that their mood changes. Alone time  allows them to distress and create a plan of action to handle whatever is bothering them.

3. Pray with him

Depending on his level of grouchiness he might not want to pray with you. In that case you should pray for him on your own. Either way you have to take the issue that is causing him to feel out of sorts to the Father. Remember a marriage consists of three parties: you, your husband, and God. anytime the two of you are having a rough day take it to prayer and God will help you sort it out. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

***BONUS***

If you haven't had sex in a while and there are no medical reasons that are keeping you from engaging in sex, it might be time to pull out the lingerie. Both of you need that time of intimacy. If you are letting you schedules keep you from handling your business in the bedroom, then you need to rearrange your priorities. We all know that men are visual creatures especially when it comes to how they express themselves sexually. Abstinence in marriage opens the door for temptation. (I Corinthians 7:5) Keep it sexy.

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No matter what you do, make sure you don't try to change your husband. You are not his Holy Spirit. Some people are more sullen and laid back than others and that is O.K. At the end of the day you are his help mate. So help him as best you can and leave the rest up to God.

How to Communicate with your Spouse

One of the first things that any wise married person will tell you is that communication is the backbone of a marriage.

It takes a lot of maturity to get to this level. 

The same way your spine influences every other part of your body, your communication skills affect every other area of your marriage. Most arguments start because of miscommunication. It feels like they are speaking another language and you just can’t get through to them. Thankfully the book of Proverbs gives us some tips on how to communicate the right way.

Be tactful.

If you are already in a heated argument make sure that you “package your words correctly. Stay respectful and stay calm. That will help keep both of you from getting hurt and help resolve the situation faster.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

Be discerning.

Ask the Holy Spirit to help you figure out when you need to speak up and when you need to be quiet. 50% of communication is listening to the other person. It isn’t always all about you and your feelings.

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even tempered.” Proverbs 17:27

Think before you open your mouth.

You cannot let your feelings take lead in your conversation. Feelings are fickle and you will end up looking foolish. Slow down and think about what you are going to say and how you are going to explain your point of view BEFORE you start talking.

“Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Proverbs 29:20

Follow their instructions.

In marriage, God puts two imperfect people together to create a perfect union with Him at the center. As husband and wife you balance each other out. Depending on the situation you should follow your spouse’s instructions. For example, I am directionally challenged, John is not. So whenever we are on the road and I am driving I follow his instructions. I let him act as my GPS, because I know for a fact that getting around Charleston (or anywhere for that matter) is not my strong suit. On the other hand, John has more challenges in the kitchen than I do. So when we are cooking together he follows my lead. Because we listen to each other we never get lost and we have good food in the house.

“He who scorns instruction will pay for it, but he who respects a command is rewarded.” Proverbs 13:13

It takes a lot of maturity to actively practice effective communication. It is not easy to hold onto your tongue when you want to tell you husband off. It takes a lot of strength to not be petty. Being mean is easy, it is part of our sin nature. But through the Holy Spirit we have the ability to be kind and loving with our words. We can only speak the truth in love when we let Him lead us. And when we start doing that, we begin building the foundation for a strong and healthy marriage.  

Check out my youtube channel tonight for a new video: "How to adjust to Married Life"

Journey to the Center of the Universe

So I had scheduled to release a blog about how to communicate with your spouse today…

But I just watched a John Piper sermon that WRECKED me. It can be summed up in one phrase.

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

When I say ‘it”, I mean anything and everything you can possibly think of. We spend the majority of our lives doing what we want, finding ourselves, and doing what makes us "happy" no matter whom it hurts. We are missing the point, as Christians, God and His desires and rights as creator precede our own. He is the center of the universe (Romans 11:36) and life is out of balance when we act outside of his design and his will.

Ok Ori, I get it! I already put God at the center, chill.

Do you? … You can find the answer in two places: your check book (Matthew 6:21) and the things that keep you up at night (Matthew 6:31-32).

When God checked me on this I thought He was at the center. I made the grave mistake of putting my expectations, my dreams, my career, and my ministry at the center of the universe. So the past few years have been frustrating ,because I wasn’t living up to my plan for "my life". Even when little things started to fall into place, I wasn’t satisfied. Why, because the human heart is a bottomless pit of desire. After I realized this I struggled for a while trying to figure out what my next steps should be. 

I got a revelation this weekend. 

In the process of doing devotions God told me to write out everything I wanted…and then He told me to give it to Him. To surrender my desires EVERYDAY so that He can be glorified.

But…the house?...Surrender.

The car?... Surrender.

The money?...Surrender.

Surrender it all. Shift your perspective on your desires and focus on the real center of the universe.

As a human with a sin nature this is hard to swallow. But as a growing woman of God, I have no choice but to submit.

Will You?

Big Announcement

I just launched a youtube channel! I will be posting vlogs, studies on marriage, and faith every week. Check it OUT!

How to Be Patient

Everyone is waiting for something. Christian or not we all have to be patient at sometime or another. Unfortunately most of us are not very good at it, my self included.

Any time I think of being patient, I think of fishing... I HATE fishing. I like the results, but I'm not a big fan of the process. I mean it takes HOURS to catch ONE fish. So like most people I go to the market and I profit off of someone else's patience.Or at least we think we are profiting. At the end of the day we are getting one meal and they are getting money they can reinvest into their business. The fishing company probably started out as a small business, and their ability to be patient allowed them to become a big time distributor, but it took TIME. The lesson we pull from this is that we have to be patient,with our family, our spouses, and our faith walks. Actively patient. You aren't doing anyone any good by sitting around stagnantly waiting for your blessing. 

So how do you learn to be patient? You keep yourself busy in the process. Hustle while you wait. As a small business owner I am getting first hand experience with this. I get discouraged and there are times I want to throw in the towel, because God isn't blessing me on my schedule. I want that check for ten million bucks from a private investor to come in the mail TOMORROW. 

But...

I remember Philippians 4:8, and I refocus. I remember Isaiah 55:8, I take a deep breath, I push myself to trust his timing, and I move forward in obedience. I keep going to vending events even though I don't get and orders or donations. I keep going to networking events, even though I don't feel up to par with anyone in the room. I keep doing free giveaways and Facebook promotions, because I know that my obedience WILL pay off. I capture all my negative thoughts and I make them obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). He is my provider and I have to rest in that promise, even when my human logic tells me otherwise. 

Rest in his promise, and hustle while you wait.

Orianna

My Love Story

Me and my baby brother!

I got married on this day, in Lexington, SC last year. But…

Before the flowers.

The dress.

The I do’s.

There was a lot of pain and confusion.

John and I started dating on February 20, 2014. We met at North Carolina Central University at an Impact Leadership conference. We went through the initial honeymoon phase that most couples go through, staying on the phone till 5 am on some nights. Since I didn’t have a car John took any opportunity he could to come see me. On our very first date we were literally inseparable (my love language is physical touch, don’t judge). But around August things started getting heated, and not in a fun way. I was entering my senior year in college and he had just graduated. So the amount of stress we were under in addition to the distance, started to take its toll on the relationship. We argued over simple things. It got to the point that every time we talked on the phone we were yelling at each other. This caused me to shut down emotionally and start looking for acceptance in other places. Since I couldn’t do anything right, I started spending more time intentionally hanging out with a group of friends later…and later. Just so I wouldn’t have to end my day with an argument. It got to the point that I dreaded talking to him on the phone and I’m sure he felt the same way. The mistake that both of us made during this time was continuing to “talk” to other people while we were mad at each other. This led to John getting so mad that he drove from Charleston SC to Durham, NC after he got off work one night, uninvited. The argument that happened once he got there was not pleasant. My friends were so worried that they came by and checked on me because they didn’t know if we were physically fighting or not. I don’t remember how but we managed to make but we did. The sad part came when John got in an accident on the way home that should have killed him. I was so thankful he was alive I forgot that we neglected to do something very important; we didn’t deal with the root issue of our problems and we didn’t cut off our “backup” people.

We paid for this mistake later in February 2015.

It was our one year dating anniversary and John came up to New Bern, NC to visit, through a horrific ice storm no less. Tensions were already high from the argument the night before, so by the time he got there the only people that talked to John when he came to pick me up were my parents. I was in graduate school at this point and still under and enormous amount of pressure to perform. John had a job at a mental health facility which put him in harm’s way on a daily basis. Needless to say we were both at the end of our rope with this relationship. I didn’t want to deal with the pressure anymore, and as John was helping me with some of my homework, he looked at me and closed the computer. He knew I was distracted by our issues and therefore nothing he said could help me understand my assignment. So we finally put everything out in the open. After a long conversation and a lot of prayer, we switched phones, I deleted his back up people and he deleted mine. It wasn’t easy to do but it was the turning point in our relationship. We started opening up to each other emotionally in ways that we hadn’t before. By forcing myself to be faithful emotionally he started getting under my skin in a good way. Letting him into my heart where I hid all of my darkest secrets, even when it hurt solidified our relationship. Fast forward to April 20^th 2016 and it’s the day before my wedding. Amazingly I wasn’t really nervous. After all we had been through I couldn’t wait to be Mrs. Sells, I had earned it!

So what’s the moral of this love story?

Be completely you and completely present in your relationships. Sweeping issues under the rug will cause extra tension. It is ALWAYS best to pull problems up from the root and to stay emotionally open at all times. Yes this will cause you pain at times but in the long run it is worth it. Love is always worth it!

Orianna

Enduring the Storms of Marriage

Tomorrow is my anniversary and I am so excited! I can’t believe it has been a YEAR. Honestly this first year of marriage has been one for the books. Because before we even got to the end of our wedding day we started facing some storms. On our way home from the wedding we got pulled over. Since then it seemed like one thing after another. From car trouble to joblessness, this year has been the most challenging time in my life to date.  I had no idea that marriage would be this challenging, but in many ways I am glad it has been a difficult first year. When I think about all the foolishness we have been through I can truly take James 1:2-4 seriously. I can see how all our issues have pushed us to grow up spiritually and emotionally.

So the question is, “How do you endure the storms of marriage?” In my opinion there are three keys to handling storms.

Stay prayed up.

I have prayed more this past year than I have in my ENTIRE life. Prayer forces you to humble yourself under God, when that happens you can cast all your worries on him. Talking to God on a regular basis (sometimes every hour) reminds you of everything he has brought you through before and it makes you realize his sovereignty, even in the midst of hardship. You learn to rest in his power to orchestrate your life.

Stay in your word.

There is nothing like going through a situation and then opening up the word of God and having a passage speak to you on YOUR specific situation and give you comfort. Psalms is notorious for doing this. However there are 65 other books that can do the same thing. Sometimes it’s a story that helps you push through the day and give you hope. Sometimes it’s a promise that reminds you of your identity in Christ. No matter what you do you can’t stop reading the bible, the book is alive and the words will jump off the page if you read it with an open heart and a humble spirit.

Don’t shut down.

I made this mistake so many times. I am the queen of the shut down. When I get upset I get quiet and I bottle up my emotions. This is not healthy at ALL.  Thankfully John has a very strong personality so no matter how I feel or what we are going through he forces me to express my feelings about our situation and listens without judging me for having doubts. It is always best to communicate your feeling shutting down will push to towards insanity.

I hope these keys help you endure the storms that you go through in marriage, and if you are single I hope you use these keys as you walk through life with your heavenly father. Trust me they make a world of difference.

Orianna

Here are some scriptures that helped me during this first year:

James 1:2-4

Colossians 1:9-14

Matthew 6:25-34

Isaiah 40:1-31

Isaiah 55:1-13