Faith Chronicles: Church Hurt

Fair warning, this article might step on some toes. For those of you who don’t know church hurt is what  happens when you got to church and someone, a member or a leader, hurts you, mentally, physically, or sexually.

The pain from that interaction can cause severe mental trauma for years after the offender has long forgotten their actions.

We all know the stories.

Priest rapes 8 year old boy.

Members spread vicious rumors about the pastors’ kids.

Choir director is pregnant with the pastors’ child.

The list goes on.

But why is it that church hurt feels worse than most traumatic events that we could experience? Well it’s the same reason that a girl who is raped by a stranger feels different than a girl who is raped by her father. Both girls experience severe trauma but the girl who was raped by her father is cut deeper because he is supposed to protect her. The purpose of the church is similar to that of a father to his children. The church is supposed to protect its’ members and provide a safe place for them to express themselves, heal, grow in their faith, and be held accountable for their actions. However because the church is full of flawed people, things get messy, and people get hurt. Sometimes people suffer so much mental anguish that they refuse to go back to church in general. This is not the answer. That is the equivalent of going out to eat, getting food poisoning, and then saying “I will never go out to eat at ANY restaurant ever again!” That is foolish.

So what should we do when we get hurt at church? As followers of Christ our goal is to reconcile with the people who hurt us. A unified body is healthy body. Jesus himself gives us a step by step guide on how to achieve unity after we have been hurt in Matthew 18:15-20. (Steps are paraphrased).

1.      Have a private face to face conversation with the person that hurt you.

You have to be man or woman enough to let people know when they hurt you. Holding that pain in will cause more damage than talking with the person. Yes it will be a difficult conversation but reconciliation is the goal. Depending on what happened they might not even know that they hurt you. If you don’t tell them they will never know. 

2.      If they do not listen to you get two to three witnesses and talk to them again about the problem.

This part is tricky. You can’t just pull any two to three people and gang up on the person that hurt you. You have to get individuals who are spiritually mature enough to pray for reconciliation and care about the spiritual well being of both you and the person who hurt you.

3.      If they still don’t listen tell your pastor and ask them to talk with them.

If your pastor was the person who hurt you then find another spiritual leader that you trust and talk with them. The ball is now in their court to talk with the person who hurt you.

4.      If they do not listen to your pastor (or trusted spiritual leader) cut ties.

At this point the person who hurt you is well aware of the situation. They have had at least three people other than you talk with them and try to aid in the reconciliation process, if they are still unrepentant and continue to try to hurt you. It’s time to let the relationship go. 

5.      Pray for your healing.

This one is pretty self explanatory. The reason you need to pray is because you don’t want your heart to be hardened toward other based on what happened in the past. It’s not fair to you or the people you will meet later. Here are some good verses to get you started: Psalms 34:17-20, Matthew 11:28, and Isaiah 54:17.  

6.      Pray with others for your healing.

This is part of the reason why you can’t leave church all together. You need a community of believers to help you through situations like this. We are wired for relationship and if you have to leave your church because of what happened find another church, build relationships there and ask them to pray with you about what happened.

At the end of the day you have to forgive and true forgiveness takes many forms. You might have to walk away from the person (or church) completely, love them from a distance, or rebuild the trust and continue your relationship. Every situation is different but no matter what you have to be led by the Holy Spirit. I’m not going to go into detail about my experience with church hurt, but I will tell you that it took a long time for me to really begin to trust “church people” again. It took a lot of prayer for me to open up to people at my new church. I didn’t trust them because of what happened in my past. I smiled in their face but in my head I kept thinking “she is going to be just like minister so and so”. Thanks be to God that I was wrong. My new church is not perfect, no church is, but I know I can trust them.

However, if I had not gone through the pain of having people spread lies about me behind my back, I wouldn’t have grown in my faith enough to trust people again.

Maybe your story is different. Maybe you really REALLY don’t want to go back to church or God in general. I encourage you to remember that we are the body of Christ. If you quit we will be missing your unique impact on the body and on the world. We need you! If you are led to leave the church you currently attend because of the pain, that’s ok. Every church is not for everybody. Start the search for a church that will challenge you in your faith and love you through your pain, but by any means necessary DON’T GIVE UP!

Orianna

Things I wish I knew BEFORE I got married...

Flowers by Faithful Flora

For the record, I have only been married for nine months as of this blog posting. I am NOT an expert. However, there are a few things I wish I could tell my younger self about being married.

1.     Guard your spirit vigilantly.

There are certain places you no longer need to go any more, friends you no longer need to hang out with, and even music you no longer need to listen to. Everything you allow into your space has the potential to uplift or erode your marriage.

2.      Never get comfortable.

It’s easy to get lost in the humdrum routine of everyday life. After the honeymoon phase (year one to three), the cute text messages could stop. Conversations can become lackadaisical. The sex that used to leave you feigning for more can become listless and average. This is the most dangerous place for a marriage to be, because as soon as someone or something comes along that shakes up the routine, the doorway to trouble is wide open. The way you keep that door closed is by mixing it up. In the bedroom, in the kitchen, and on date nights, you have to change up the routine and actively push to learn more about the person you married. They are growing and changing and if you don’t pay attention, you will wake up with a stranger in your bed.

3.      Don’t let yourself go physically.

One of the first things that may have attracted you to your spouse was their looks. Both men and women are wired to notice the attractiveness of a person’s face/body. The choice of pursuit follows from there. That being said, marriage is not all expense paid trip to the city of never ending sweatpants. You have to put in the same effort to keep your figure in check as you did when you were dating (if possible). Plus, you want to be around for a while. Health is VERY important.

Since this blog is for a friend of mine who is going to be getting married very soon, I’m including some tips on marriage from my parents and grandparents below!

Parents

·         Keep your priorities in order. God, spouse, family, then friends. When this list gets out of order, your marriage will suffer the consequences.

·         Talk about how you want to raise your children. If you are not on the same page as your spouse, it will get messy.

·         Keep dating!

·         Budget your money and take a course on finances if you can. “Financial Peace” by Dave Ramsey is amazing.

·         (For wives) Don’t let him handle everything. If you don’t understand life insurance, banking, directions, and so forth, push to learn that NOW. Your husband is not immortal and if something happens, you will have to handle the repercussions life throws at you.

·         Don’t let gender roles dictate your marriage. Be thoughtful outside of those roles.

·         Make a daily routine for laundry, cooking, and cleaning before you have kids. It makes the transition to parenthood easier.

Grandparents

·         Marriage is all about sacrifice. It’s best to be sure you both have the same goal in mind for your future. Realize their desires and think about what you are giving up. Are you willing to let some of your dreams go to make sure that your joint goals for life are accomplished?

·         Be patient when it comes to your spouses’ insecurities. Some people trust you as far as they can throw you because of what has happened in their past. If it is a deep seated issue, talk to a pastor or a licensed marriage counselor.

·         Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

·         Understand their background and how that will affect their behavior.

·         Temptation will still try to get at you but you have to be strong in spite of the pressure. Sometime your spouses’ “friends” will go as far as to offer you money… when you are lacking…for a piece of “cake”. Allow God to be your provider in those moments of temptation.

·         Do your best to stay employed. Two incomes are better than one, no matter the amount.

All in all marriage is not for the faint of heart. But by God I’m not going anywhere!

Orianna