I Wish I Learned This When I Was Single...

So my anniversary is this week!!! As I’m looking through my wedding photos and planning our trip I realized how much I have grown and matured over the past year. I truly thank God that I am not the same woman I was in 2016.

But …

I also realized that there are two areas I could have handled while I was single that I didn’t. But I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to pay attention and grow. If I had spent more time working on these two areas, being married would be a thousand times simpler.

Discipline

When I was single I didn’t have a daily schedule. I had a class schedule and sometimes I didn’t even follow that. I made half baked attempts at organizing my life, but I never stayed committed to it. I spent a lot of time at the beginning and the end of the semester throwing away plans and schedules I had written out, and planners I had bought and halfway used. From my health to education I didn’t do it on purpose. It is literally a miracle that I have a degree because I didn’t have any margin in my life, and when I tried to create margin I would throw away my plan and say “I’ll get back on track tomorrow”. I think about two weeks into being married I realized I couldn’t live like that anymore.  Is one thing to make a plan but being disciplined enough to stick with it is a completely different story.

Perspective

I also spent a lot of time focused on myself, and not in a good way. I was selfish, prideful, and impatient. I spent most of my time figuring out how to make ME happy and how people made ME feel. I knew God. I knew he was supposed to be my focus, but frankly, I was too concerned about the fact that I couldn’t have sex to think about it. I really had to flip my perspective and realize that honoring God is more important than my next orgasm. Glorifying God and bringing others into his kingdom was more important than how those same people treated me. I had to swallow my pride and pray for the people that hurt me. I had to take a lot of cold showers and spend a lot of time in prayer to avoid the temptations that surrounded me in school. It wasn’t easy but until I started zooming out and looking at the bigger picture, I didn’t discover my purpose and I am so thankful that God has pushed me to change my perspective.

So as I’m reminiscing on the good times and the not so good I’m also looking towards the future. Actively praying and actively changing my behavior for the better, so the next 80 something years might be a little bit simpler.

Orianna

The Nagging Wife

I’ll be honest with ya’ll I’ve never understood the reasoning behind why women nag. If you are married people automatically assume that it happens all the time. The picture in their head probably looks something like this:

The husband provides everything and is secretly unhappy. The wife is this excessively demanding she witch, that takes care of the house and the kids, while completely ignoring herself and her husband. Nobody is getting any sex.

This is dysfunctional on so many levels but I want to focus on the wife. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and making your requests known. However there is a big difference between asking your husband to take out the trash one time, in a nice voice, and asking him to take out the trash every ten minutes, while gradually getting more and more disrespectful. The latter makes your husband feel like he’s listening to nails on a chalk board. The word describes it this way:

“…a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof” Proverbs 19: 13(NIV)

Aka the biblical version of water boarding.

So what is the root issue that causes a wife to be nagging, quarrelsome, and contentious? Simple, lack of trust, you nag him until you get your way because you don’t believe he will handle it when and how you want it handled. You don’t trust him so you spend your time trying to control him by nagging.

Ladies it is beyond time for us to stop treating our husbands like they are our children. Trust God enough to fight your battles. Your husband is a grown man. You only need to say it once, trust that God will take care of the rest.

We always say that we are women who trust and believe God to handle everything. I think it’s time we start acting like it.

Orianna

Marriage... whats the point?

When you look at marriage from a worldly perspective there are only a few incentives; tax write offs, combined income, psychological support through life, etc. These are all well and good, and they promote a healthy society in general. But when you look at marriage through a spiritual lens you see that it has a bigger purpose. The point of being married is the same as everything else in the universe, to glorify God. It is a gift that we can only take advantage of in this existence (Matt. 22:30 NIV), and marriage fulfills its purpose in three exclusive ways.

Marriage acts as a safe place to explore, understand, and enjoy sex.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul explains that because of the great amount of immorality it was best for each person to have their own husband or wife, so that they would not participate in the illicit sexual practices that were taking place around them. Those words still apply to us today. Sex with in marriage is the equivalent of living at Disney world. Sex outside of marriage is the equivalent of riding a rickety homemade roller coaster. It’s just not safe. No matter how "fun" it may seem.

Marriage is designed to mirror the relationship between Christ and the church.

Throughout scripture, God refers to the church as his bride. In Ephesians, Paul explains how married couples should emulate Christ’s relationship with the church in three ways.

1.      The cycle of love and respect

2.      The cycle of sanctification

3.      Unity and Intimacy

As husbands and wives strive to meet these standards they show case Gods glory in their marriage.

Sounds beautiful, but boy is it difficult to do. The trick is not to give up on these standards when it gets hard. When I don’t respect my husband it is hard for him to continue to show me love. When he doesn’t lead me spiritually it is hard for me to continue to respect him. Without intimacy and unity, we become more like roommates or business partners instead of a married couple. So realizing these facts I have to keep pushing to make it work. I keep Philippians 3:14 at the forefront of my mind when I want to give up and let my sinful nature take over.

So my question to you is: who are you giving glory to? If you aren’t striving to give God glory, you are dishonoring him by default. Keep fighting the good fight, this is bigger than you.

Orianna

Date Night Ideas

This one is gonna be simple. We all know that date night is important. If you don’t prioritize your spouse you will gradually grow apart. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to end up living with a stranger in my house. So date nights help to combat that and draw you closer to each other. The great news is you don’t have to spend a fortune to have fun with your spouse! I’ll separate the activities into two columns:

Frugal		Pricey
Take a walk	Around the park or your neighborhood	Staycation	Find a bed and breakfast/hotel in your area and make a weekend out of exploring your city
Give them a massage	Get naked and get oily!	Pottery Night	Find a local craft store and paint a piece of pottery together. The Art Place Studio Fire and Earth Pottery
Game Night	From puzzles to chess you can find all types of games at the dollar store and Goodwill that will make you think.	Escape Rooms	These puzzle rooms are awesome and they force you to work together. Escape in 60
Have a kid day	Stay in your PJ’s eat cereal and watch cartoons	Amusement Park	Carowinds, Busch Gardens, Six Flags
Antique hopping	Downtown is full of them. See if you can find them all.	Take a dance class	Find a studio and see if you can get a private lesson.
Workout together	You don’t have to have a gym membership. Run around your neighbor hood a few times and you will work up a sweat!	Concert	Find an artist that both of you love and grab some tickets.
People Watch	Go to a park or a Starbucks and just observe (you would be surprised how fun this is.)	Vacation (without the kids)	Pick a place on the map, save up, and go!
Go to the beach	Find a free parking spot and explore.	Couples Massage	Zen Massage, Massage Envy, Urban Nirvana etc.
Ice Cream Date	Who doesn’t love sweets? (Froyo, Baskin Robbins, Sweet Frog, etc.	Mystery Date	Buy them a new outfit and take them somewhere special.
Steak Dinner at Home	Cook it together and turn your dining room into a fancy restaurant.	Rock Climbing	Google bouldering and rock climbing gyms, sign the waiver, and climb away!

You will notice that none of these ideas are dinner and a movie. Although that is a great idea EVERYBODY does it. After a while of doing dinner and a movie and nothing else it will get boring. The purpose of these ideas is to have an EXPERIENCE together that gives you open space to talk and learn with each other. Shake it up and comment below if you try any of these!

Orianna

Marriage Uncut: Sex Perspectives (18+ only)

*deep sigh*

Sex is a touchy subject. Even as I’m writing this I have started and erased about ten different introductions. There are so many angles to come at this from and honestly that’s the point. Everyone has a different perspective on sex, what its purpose is, who they can have it with, and so on. However, as believers and especially as married believers, we are supposed to get our perspective on sex from God’s word. And the best part is there is A LOT of sex in the bible. Solomon actually wrote an entire book about it. The resources are available, we just have to buckle down and use them. However as the body of Christ we have used the resources in God’s word the way a three year old would handle a hot iron, so most of us are walking around here with a lot of burns.

I am one of those people and my marriage has paid the price for my lack of education about having sex God’s way.

Most of the time in religious households you are told one simple truth when it comes to sex: STAY AWAY. That doesn’t work well for teenagers at all. Fast forward about ten years and now you’re married and you have had all these different sources give you their perspective on sex.

Hollywood: Sex is exciting and fun, do it whenever you want, with whoever you want, as often as you can. You only get one life anyway.

School: Sex is dangerous. You can get pregnant or die from aids or other STD’s.

Parents (During the one conversation when you are twelve): There is a penis…and a vagina…and you should just wait till your married.

Church:*insert crickets here* FLEE FORNICATION OR YOU SHALL ROT IN HELL!!!

*Face palm*

Everybody has it wrong! We get married and we use these false perspectives when we approach sex with our spouses, which cause a HUGE mess. Feelings get hurt, people stop putting out, and the next thing you know somebody is cheating.

So what is the proper perspective to view sex?

It is supposed to be between a man and a woman. (Matthew 19:4-6)

It is supposed to be enjoyed with in marriage. (Song of Songs 3:5)

Its purpose is for procreation AND pleasure. (1 Corinthians 7:5)

Now that we know the perspective we should have on sex as Christians we have to change a few behaviors…

Stop using Jill Scott and Robin Thicke to pregame before sex. (1 John 2:15-17)

As talented as they are they have nothing to offer you anymore. No matter how much they sing about love and how innocent it may seem, the spirit behind it is ALWAYS lustful. That is not a spirit you want to bring into your marriage bed. It reduces your spouse to a cum bucket.

Don’t ask them to do anything that you have seen in a pornographic video. (Ephesians 5:3)

These people are not married and sometimes they are forced against their will to do the acts they perform in the videos. Why would you want your husband or wife, the person you have been praying for and dreaming about, to do the same acts as someone who might be a sex slave?

Pull the plug. (Hebrews 13:4)

Pornography has NO place in marriage at all. Block the sites, block the profiles, fast from using the internet, do what you have to do. You can’t truly enjoy your husband or your wife if you are having flashbacks from a video you watched last week and you need that to stay aroused.

X3watch.com is a great resource for those of you struggling with this.

Focus on each other. (1 Corinthians 7:5)

This may seem painfully obvious but after a long day it becomes clear how hard it is to turn over and actually focus on your spouse while having sex.

Don’t be a prude. (1 Corinthians 7:2)

The marriage bed is undefiled and as a married couple you NEED to have sex. It keeps the devil from tempting you and it keeps the spark alive. It is OK to use wax and food as a part of your sex play. It is NOT immoral to try a position other than missionary. Performing oral sex does NOT make you dirty and foreplay is NOT a waste of time.

Stop cutting your spouse off. (1 Corinthians 7:5)

You are married you are supposed to be having sex. You can’t use silly reasons to not have sex and you should NEVER use sex to manipulate your husband or wife into doing something.

Now I will be honest with you I haven’t always taken my own advice. I’ve watched more pornography than I care to divulge and I have lusted after a lot of men. But God is gracious and he has been patient with me and my husband. Over the last eleven months we began to realize that we were basically cheating ourselves out of a fulfilling sex life because of our sin and our perspective on sex in general. Now that we are actively pushing forward to honor God with our bodies as a married couple we have learned to let go of our old perspectives on sex, so that we can enjoy it and appreciate it that way it was intended to be used.

 Orianna

Marriage Uncut: Conflict

“I CAN’T STAND YOU!”

To this day John Franklin Sells is the only person on earth who knows how to make my blood boil. However the purpose of this blog is not to bash my husband, but to look at the root causes of conflict in marriage. Such as:

The example your parents did (or didn’t) set for you.

We follow in our parents’ footsteps more than we are willing to realize or admit. We grow up watching the way they interact and we model our reactions to our spouses after theirs. For example sometimes I act like my mother and I shut down. Sometimes I act like my father and I speak in spiteful and violent tones. My parents made the mistake of spending a lot of time fighting in front of us kids, so I got a front row seat to a lot of their issues and how they handled them. When I got married last year I began to notice that I followed their patterns.

The spirit of rebellion

This is where things get a little creepy. If you aren’t a Christian you might not get it. Basically when you become a Christian you get a target put on your back and this target gets bigger the closer you get to God and the more you serve him and love others. There are two realms that we operate in, the spiritual and the natural. The demonic forces that live in the spiritual realm will influence happenings in the natural realm and they will spend more time on Christians with bigger targets. They have a habit of actively trying to ruin i.e. end your life at any opportunity they can find. We are in a spiritual war and the spirit of rebellion will try to find its way into your marriage and set up camp. Why? Satan hates marriage, he goes out of his way to destroy it, and he uses the spirit of rebellion to do that. The way you can tell that it is a spirit is because it will leave a pattern. Spirits are creatures of habit. Once they find a way that works they will continue using that same problem push you deeper into the pit of contention.  Wives in particular get into trouble with this because the bible specifically tells us to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22-23). Because our husbands are human we have difficulty doing that and since we live in the 21^st century our culture has programmed us to push against biblical submission.

Pride

This is a mindset that a lot of us independent women have. Yes, I said us because I do this too. We know how to handle everything and we don’t need help. The bible say pride comes before the fall (Proverbs 16:18). God knows how to humble people. I don’t know about you but I would rather humble myself than be humbled by God, because that is not a fun experience.

(Check out what happened to King Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel 4).

Lack of Self Control

This is probably the biggest root of conflict. We simply do not know how to control ourselves. When it comes to our finances, our appetites, our emotions etc. we have absolutely no idea how to tell ourselves no, especially in the midst of a fight. Our emotions cloud our judgment and we end up turning into this nasty, petty, sliver of a woman who puts her need to be right over peace and unity in her home.

Let love be your highest goal, even when it hurts.

At the end of the day it’s never about who left the bathroom a mess or who should wash the dishes.  The struggle is in how you handle these issues. If you are being controlled by the Holy Spirit you will find that even in the midst of disagreements you still have sound judgment and the other person’s needs are at the forefront of your mind. You will have disagreements, the goal isn’t to stop fighting, that is impossible. The goal is to fight the right way, with a clear mind and a gentle spirit.

So how do we cut off conflict at the root?

Well, we need to make sure we are spending time with the Lord DAILY. Praying for direction, for our husbands, for our attitudes, and putting on the full armor of God to prepare for battle. This one action when done consistently disables the roots of foolish and pointless conflicts between you and your spouse. The more time you spend with God the more you become like him. The more time you spend in his word the more your mind is renewed and when you operate under a renewed mind you will respond differently to the conflicts that come up in marriage.

Now sometimes you need to do a spiritual detox of sorts. Because let’s be honest we clutter our minds with trashy t.v., godless music, social media, and a whole host of other things that have nothing to do with the things of God. So if you are noticing that you just can’t seem to push past all the filth in your spirit, it’s probably time to do a fast or as some of my friends say “turn over the plate”. Traditional fasting allows you to remove your meals and replace them with bible study and prayer. But food isn’t the only area where you can abstain. Social media, television, and ungodly music can all be things that we fast from. Just like a physical detox of the body, fasting helps purge out the toxins in your spirit, by overloading your system with the word of God and his presence. As you grow closer to God you will notice those roots start to wither. That generational curse of having a bad attitude all the time, gets broken. Even though your mother had a bad attitude and always talked down about your dad, you respect your husband because you realize that when you tear him down not only are you being disrespectful, but you are hurting yourself because you two are one flesh. You spend so much time in prayer that any demons that dare come near you don’t stay long because they can’t stand  being in God’s presence. That’s why you have to push to dwell with him at all times. That’s why the bible says pray without ceasing (1Thessalonians 5:16-18). You begin to get an understanding of the sovereignty and majesty of God, so whatever pride you had is quickly extinguished. Lastly because God’s spirit lives in you begin to experience victory in the area of self-control.

This simple idea of spending time with God on a daily basis is not easy. But for the sake of having peace in your heart and in your home, I would suggest you give it a try. If you can’t do it in the morning find another time. Lunch breaks, after the kids finally go to sleep, or even on the way to work. We find time for what we deem important. How valuable is your peace?

Until next time,

Orianna

Marriage Uncut: Body Image

We all know the verse Psalms 139:14 … I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Well for a long time I struggled to accept that. For the majority of my life I struggled with a negative body image and those struggles followed me into marriage. Even to this day I have to push to not compare my looks with my friends. From the time I was eight until I got to college I avoided mirrors. Every time someone complimented me I thought they did it out of pity instead of sincerity. The bullies at school did nothing but affirm my negative self image.

“Your body is disgusting; no one wants to see that!”
 -Middle School Locker Room

“Your nose makes you look like a shark. You should get surgery.”
- High School Backstage

“She is so ugly she will never get a man.”
- High School, Dance Class

 Years have passed, the voices of my naysayers have faded, and I have forgiven those who used to mistreat me. However, I still have a small voice in the back of my head that will speak up on occasion and tell me, I’m too fat, I’m not good enough, and I will never be able to change. The only difference is now I'm married. 

WAIT... shouldn't that change everything?

Not necessarily..

If I know I am physically desirable to my husband, why do I STILL feel like this. Well at the end of the day the way I view my body has nothing to do with him. He can tell me I am the most beautiful woman in the world until he is blue in the face, but until I believe that I am attractive it won’t make a difference. Since the beginning of 2017 God has been showing me how much power is in the mind. Encouragement is great but until you believe that you are beautifully and uniquely made, the voices won’t stop.

Now i’m not here trying to offer you a ten steps to fix your body image in two weeks, but I will tell you that consistently focusing on these two things will drastically change the way you view yourself in the long run.

   

God made me unique.

The first one helps you to accept the things you can’t permanently change. The freckles, the moles, the hair line etc. You can put on makeup all day long but at some point you have to wash your face and take off your wig. Recognizing that God made you unique and cognitively accepting that helps you to change your perspective on what you see when you look in the mirror.

I will be healthy.

This is the really HARD one. This requires changes in your activity level and what you eat on a consistent basis. Some of us are down on ourselves and hate the weight, but we eat an XL pizza at 3 am every night. That is not conducive to a positive body transformation. You have to cut out the junk, get off the couch, and push to be the best you possible. It's time to stop idolizing Keyshia Ka'oir your body will never look like hers. You have to set realistic goals, within a realistic time period, for YOUR body. 

I still fight to focus on these truths EVERYDAY. Just like I have to crucify the flesh daily and fill myself with the word, I have to rebuke the negative thoughts about my body and remind myself the I am uniquely made and that I will consistently choose to be healthy. Sometimes it is a second by second decision, but it is worth it.

For your husband, your children, and you, it is worth it.  

Orianna