Before I got married I actually didn’t think this could happen. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that the man I had prayed for would ever fail me. I had built up this unrealistic image in my head of what my husband would be like and how he would treat me. Now that I am in the thick of marriage I know the truth. Failure at some point in time during the duration of our marriage is inevitable. Not because he wants to fail me but simply because he is human. As I accepted this truth I found that giving John (my husband) grace was necessary for our survival as a couple.

In essence there are two ways that your husband can fail you.

He can fail to meet your expectations of what a husband should be.

This failure can be manifested in a variety of forms: mismanagement of finances, pornographic addictions, lack of self control, wild tempers etc. All of these things don’t fit into the bubble that we put our husbands in before we marry them.  And when they don’t pay the bills on time or bring home as much as we want them to, we get disappointed. When they fly off the handle and say vicious things just to win an argument we are baffled that they would stoop so low. And when they come home and tell us they had an affair with their secretary at work we are blinded by rage. As bad as these failures are, there is and even greater way that you husband can fail you. 

He can fail to meet God’s standard of what a husband should be.

As the head of the house, the husband has a great amount of responsibility that God gives him and when he fails in this area, the spiritual repercussions can echo for generations to come. When he doesn’t cover you and the family in prayer, when he doesn’t lead by example and push the family to fellowship at church on a weekly basis. When he worships other “gods” like his material possessions and doesn’t make the true God a priority, it is easy for the rest of the family to get relaxed about all things spiritual.

No matter what happens, as a wife we have to readily forgive our husbands when they fail us. We have to extend the same grace and mercy that Christ gives us every time we fail God. It is easy to get blinded by our husbands’ shortcomings, but if we live in unforgiveness we will become bitter, and all of those toxic emotions will choke the life out of your relationship. So accept his humanity and give him grace when he fails, the love that you continue to show him will cover his mistakes. (1 Peter 4:8 NIV) As his wife it is your job description to encourage him and forgive him on a regular basis. Cover him in prayer, be open about your feelings, and watch God transform the way you view his failures and the way you handle them.

Stay tuned for this week’s Friday FLO "Dealing with Difficult People" at 7 p.m. EDT on my page.

Peace and Blessings 

How to Communicate with your Spouse

One of the first things that any wise married person will tell you is that communication is the backbone of a marriage.

It takes a lot of maturity to get to this level. 

The same way your spine influences every other part of your body, your communication skills affect every other area of your marriage. Most arguments start because of miscommunication. It feels like they are speaking another language and you just can’t get through to them. Thankfully the book of Proverbs gives us some tips on how to communicate the right way.

Be tactful.

If you are already in a heated argument make sure that you “package your words correctly. Stay respectful and stay calm. That will help keep both of you from getting hurt and help resolve the situation faster.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

Be discerning.

Ask the Holy Spirit to help you figure out when you need to speak up and when you need to be quiet. 50% of communication is listening to the other person. It isn’t always all about you and your feelings.

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even tempered.” Proverbs 17:27

Think before you open your mouth.

You cannot let your feelings take lead in your conversation. Feelings are fickle and you will end up looking foolish. Slow down and think about what you are going to say and how you are going to explain your point of view BEFORE you start talking.

“Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Proverbs 29:20

Follow their instructions.

In marriage, God puts two imperfect people together to create a perfect union with Him at the center. As husband and wife you balance each other out. Depending on the situation you should follow your spouse’s instructions. For example, I am directionally challenged, John is not. So whenever we are on the road and I am driving I follow his instructions. I let him act as my GPS, because I know for a fact that getting around Charleston (or anywhere for that matter) is not my strong suit. On the other hand, John has more challenges in the kitchen than I do. So when we are cooking together he follows my lead. Because we listen to each other we never get lost and we have good food in the house.

“He who scorns instruction will pay for it, but he who respects a command is rewarded.” Proverbs 13:13

It takes a lot of maturity to actively practice effective communication. It is not easy to hold onto your tongue when you want to tell you husband off. It takes a lot of strength to not be petty. Being mean is easy, it is part of our sin nature. But through the Holy Spirit we have the ability to be kind and loving with our words. We can only speak the truth in love when we let Him lead us. And when we start doing that, we begin building the foundation for a strong and healthy marriage.  

Check out my youtube channel tonight for a new video: "How to adjust to Married Life"

Marriage Uncut: Conflict

“I CAN’T STAND YOU!”

To this day John Franklin Sells is the only person on earth who knows how to make my blood boil. However the purpose of this blog is not to bash my husband, but to look at the root causes of conflict in marriage. Such as:

The example your parents did (or didn’t) set for you.

We follow in our parents’ footsteps more than we are willing to realize or admit. We grow up watching the way they interact and we model our reactions to our spouses after theirs. For example sometimes I act like my mother and I shut down. Sometimes I act like my father and I speak in spiteful and violent tones. My parents made the mistake of spending a lot of time fighting in front of us kids, so I got a front row seat to a lot of their issues and how they handled them. When I got married last year I began to notice that I followed their patterns.

The spirit of rebellion

This is where things get a little creepy. If you aren’t a Christian you might not get it. Basically when you become a Christian you get a target put on your back and this target gets bigger the closer you get to God and the more you serve him and love others. There are two realms that we operate in, the spiritual and the natural. The demonic forces that live in the spiritual realm will influence happenings in the natural realm and they will spend more time on Christians with bigger targets. They have a habit of actively trying to ruin i.e. end your life at any opportunity they can find. We are in a spiritual war and the spirit of rebellion will try to find its way into your marriage and set up camp. Why? Satan hates marriage, he goes out of his way to destroy it, and he uses the spirit of rebellion to do that. The way you can tell that it is a spirit is because it will leave a pattern. Spirits are creatures of habit. Once they find a way that works they will continue using that same problem push you deeper into the pit of contention.  Wives in particular get into trouble with this because the bible specifically tells us to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22-23). Because our husbands are human we have difficulty doing that and since we live in the 21^st century our culture has programmed us to push against biblical submission.

Pride

This is a mindset that a lot of us independent women have. Yes, I said us because I do this too. We know how to handle everything and we don’t need help. The bible say pride comes before the fall (Proverbs 16:18). God knows how to humble people. I don’t know about you but I would rather humble myself than be humbled by God, because that is not a fun experience.

(Check out what happened to King Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel 4).

Lack of Self Control

This is probably the biggest root of conflict. We simply do not know how to control ourselves. When it comes to our finances, our appetites, our emotions etc. we have absolutely no idea how to tell ourselves no, especially in the midst of a fight. Our emotions cloud our judgment and we end up turning into this nasty, petty, sliver of a woman who puts her need to be right over peace and unity in her home.

Let love be your highest goal, even when it hurts.

At the end of the day it’s never about who left the bathroom a mess or who should wash the dishes.  The struggle is in how you handle these issues. If you are being controlled by the Holy Spirit you will find that even in the midst of disagreements you still have sound judgment and the other person’s needs are at the forefront of your mind. You will have disagreements, the goal isn’t to stop fighting, that is impossible. The goal is to fight the right way, with a clear mind and a gentle spirit.

So how do we cut off conflict at the root?

Well, we need to make sure we are spending time with the Lord DAILY. Praying for direction, for our husbands, for our attitudes, and putting on the full armor of God to prepare for battle. This one action when done consistently disables the roots of foolish and pointless conflicts between you and your spouse. The more time you spend with God the more you become like him. The more time you spend in his word the more your mind is renewed and when you operate under a renewed mind you will respond differently to the conflicts that come up in marriage.

Now sometimes you need to do a spiritual detox of sorts. Because let’s be honest we clutter our minds with trashy t.v., godless music, social media, and a whole host of other things that have nothing to do with the things of God. So if you are noticing that you just can’t seem to push past all the filth in your spirit, it’s probably time to do a fast or as some of my friends say “turn over the plate”. Traditional fasting allows you to remove your meals and replace them with bible study and prayer. But food isn’t the only area where you can abstain. Social media, television, and ungodly music can all be things that we fast from. Just like a physical detox of the body, fasting helps purge out the toxins in your spirit, by overloading your system with the word of God and his presence. As you grow closer to God you will notice those roots start to wither. That generational curse of having a bad attitude all the time, gets broken. Even though your mother had a bad attitude and always talked down about your dad, you respect your husband because you realize that when you tear him down not only are you being disrespectful, but you are hurting yourself because you two are one flesh. You spend so much time in prayer that any demons that dare come near you don’t stay long because they can’t stand  being in God’s presence. That’s why you have to push to dwell with him at all times. That’s why the bible says pray without ceasing (1Thessalonians 5:16-18). You begin to get an understanding of the sovereignty and majesty of God, so whatever pride you had is quickly extinguished. Lastly because God’s spirit lives in you begin to experience victory in the area of self-control.

This simple idea of spending time with God on a daily basis is not easy. But for the sake of having peace in your heart and in your home, I would suggest you give it a try. If you can’t do it in the morning find another time. Lunch breaks, after the kids finally go to sleep, or even on the way to work. We find time for what we deem important. How valuable is your peace?

Until next time,

Orianna